Hey baby, wanna take a walk in my pants?

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Date night

 

Gentlemen, gather here for a little talk.

I know valentines is around the corner, but this little piece is not for Valentine’s day only. Men, taking a girl out on a date to your local, or a bar is not ideal.

Let me tell you a little story….

I once had a chat with this fine dude. He had nice English, and texted really nice as well, so when one fine morning I said yes to his coffee invite, I expected him to show up looking good. You know, clean up nice, and all. What I didn’t expect is him showing up in a nylon oversize tracksuit that had an elastic band resting above his ankles, cowboy boots and 2 washed out sweaters.

Anyway, long story short, I never saw him again. Not his choice, but mine.

Moving on, I want to detail a few places you should not think of going for your first date. You go for dates to know each other and decide if a second date is worth it- and there is no better way to spoil your chances of getting to know her more, or getting into her pants -if that’s your intention- than choosing the wrong venue.

Don’t take her to:

The Mall

Westgate mall

Unless your date is 7 and gets excited by the mere thought of strolling in and out of clothing stores checking out discount coupons, then you both deserve each other. Simply put, a visit to the mall is not a date. You want to appear cultured -not a confused teenager- especially if you are asking a cultured lady out for a date. Even teenagers don’t think hanging out at the mall is cool.

Sonford and KFC

KFC

Maybe she loves her seasoned chicken more than she loves her body, but please don’t make her feel like a broiler being fattened for marination later. A fast food joint is a bad idea for a first date. If you’re both in campus and surviving on a tough budget, the joint would be a little ideal, and you get a C for effort. However, if you’re asking a grown woman for a date, this isn’t it.

Movie Theatre

Imax

While this sounds a little cool for introverts like me who will do anything to avoid awkward conversations, don’t take your date who loves talking to a movie theatre unless you have no intentions of showing off your conversing prowess. If she’s talkative and was looking forward to knowing more about you, she might not like this date because it screams ‘IDGAF.’ Take her somewhere you can converse, look at her and compliment her. But me, take me to the theatre. I’ll enjoy sitting in the dark for 2 hours and ‘accidentally’ touching your fingers as we chew on popcorns. How’s that for first date flirting?

Shooting range

Kenya Association of Archery

You know if she doesn’t like you at a glance, she’ll shoot and shoot and shoot.

Bad bad idea!

Museums and National Parks

National Museums of Kenya

You’re going on a date, not a history lesson. Unless you both met in an anthropology class or are relic hunters, stay away. Even anthropology students need a break from all the  ‘anthropologing.’ Also, game parks are perfect for kids who think animals are so cute. Sit this one out and wait for when you get kids.

Your birthday party

Birthday party

Your birthday party should be reserved for when she has met your friends and you’ve all gone for several dates. Asking her to show up for your birthday or any other party as a first date will be extremely awkward and lonely for her. Don’t make her wish she’d rather have converted her huge karai into a bathtub, and spent her evening or day tapping her feet in the ‘bathtub’ and drinking Corona instead of being with you. She shouldn’t be getting an occasional wink as your friends drag you from corner to corner singing…..no yelling….to Ed sheeran’s lyrics:

Maybe tonight I’ll call ya
After my blood turns into alcohol
No, I just wanna hold ya

No honey, the only thing you’ll be holding after such a night is your pillow.

Book Club

Book club

Really? I know y’all love reading but all that reading you do should count for something, right? You can’t read all that fiction and participate in literacy book challenges and not be creative enough to take her somewhere interesting. Just because she loves reading and you met at a book club or launch doesn’t mean her ideal date is a book thing. People have life outside some of their interests. Humor her.

Your Car

probox

Please don’t take her for a ride in your car.

Your Place

Unless this is a sex date, don’t mention your place. Worse still, don’t make her dress up, don’t pull up at her place, don’t ask her to take an uber, don’t ask her to drive to your place. It is disrespectful, boring, lacklustre and cheap.

Your Pants

‘Hey baby, wanna take a walk in my pants?’ This is not a pick up line. This is a kick in the teeth. This is humiliating. This is just cringe. Dial it back, Pete. This will not work.

Good luck!

 

 

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